Plain American Language

I cut a sliver/of WC William's finger
and placed it inside/my philosophy...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Dilemma of Sorts

I have two versions of the same poem, and need some advice:

Version #1
Death-Wrestler

“Poetry is the death-wrestler” – Dave Smith

With a mouthful of questions,
I reach into the pocket
of my brain to find death, but
there are no answers to speak of.
The most hateful point of
death is the grey dawning
of absence, that small mouse
you hear only just: gnawing, crumbling
old, stale crackers in the back
of the cupboard. Reaching for
death isn’t impossible, though it
looks almost foolish, as if you were
rummaging through a chest of clothing
and wrestling for the spaces
between clothes.


Version #2

Death-Wrestler

“Poetry is the death-wrestler” – Dave Smith

The most hateful point of
death is the grey dawning
of absence, that small mouse
you hear only just: gnawing, crumbling
old, stale crackers in the back
of the cupboard. With a mouthful
of questions, I reach into the pocket
of my brain to find death. But there
are no answers to speak of. Reaching for
death isn't impossible, though it
looks almost foolish, as if you were
rummaging through a chest of clothing
and wrestling for the spaces
between clothes.


What I like about the first version is visually it's pleasing, and it seems to me to have a progression that to me make sense, as in, it develops. What I like of the second version is beginning with the biggest image in the poem. The second version would need fine tuning in terms of spacing, but...I just don't know. Any suggestions?

No comments: