Plain American Language

I cut a sliver/of WC William's finger
and placed it inside/my philosophy...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Deer (revised Nature Poem)

A pause, breath,
cold and now colder.
A tiny droplet of fear.
They lift their heads
ears perk up. If
its not much
go back to eating.
But what if another snap
sets their eyes
glinting? What if
turning your head
was a mistake?
The world grows
with funghi-like precision
in the meantime--
a blink, another,
and spores land
into the palm
of the earth.


敖德 said...

The its totally needs to be it's. I mean, modern poetry sure, but it's is still it's.

Besides that, I am a bit confused by the structure. If you are intending to separate the speaker and the subject, it needs to be clearer, and if not, I would suggest taking out the subjects altogether and making it "Heads turn ... sets eyes/glinting." etc.

thehubcapkid said...

oh true dat on the its, typographical error!

is it too quick, that switch from "go back to eating" to "But what if..."? it feels like it's lacking beats...